Broken

In the still of the half mooned night,
in the still of the broken room, of the broken man
he sits,
he stares,
he leaves all thoughts behind,
and he gazes out the window.
Nothing there.
He takes a deep breath and stands,
he opens the window, but no breeze is felt.
No emotion is expressed.
He walks passed his broken bed, with its tear-stained sheets,
He walks passed his broken lamp, still light on the floor.
He sees his guitar and picks it up.
He examines it, to see if it is broken…..only cracked.
He takes it back with him to his chair by the window,
pass the broken lamp that is still light on the floor,
pass the broken bed, with its tear-stained sheets,
He reaches into his pocket, pulls out a cigarette and ignites it.
He sits and his first thought of the night comes to him.
“Will it sound the same?”
He inhales the smoke of the cigarette.
He strings his guitar,
it’s off.
He adjusts the chords.
He strings it again,
it sounds a bit better than before.
He adjusts the chords again.
He takes another puff from his cigarette.
As he exhales he secretly hopes that it will sound the same as before.
He strings the guitar,
it sounded almost identical as before.
He couldn’t understand why it didn’t sound the same as before.
He put the guitar down and stood up, and began to look out the window, cigarette in hand and putting it to his lips on the occasion.
The cigarette finished quicker than usual.
He looked back to his broken room and saw his broken lamp that was still light on the floor,
and he saw his broken bed with its tear-stained sheets,
and he looked at his guitar once again, he decided to play.
The melodies where played the same,
but the tones where somewhat changed,
more emotion was felt with each tune,
more sadness was felt with each ballad
more was felt, then before.
He puts down his guitar.
He reaches for another cigarette.
He ignites it.
He takes a puff and just stared out the window,
looking at nothing,
but understanding all.
His life was broken, but he was only cracked.
He would always be cracked and he would eventually adjust to it,
but for now he likes to consider himself broken.

June 24, 2015 by medinabrianf Leave a comment

A Walk With Death

My mind stops to wander. My head begins to calm. Glimpses of clarity find my thoughts. I don’t know where I am at. I don’t even know how I got here. I try to stand up only to feel soreness. My body aches. Why does my body ache? I can hear something in the distance. I pretend that I didn’t hear a thing. I have always been told that “Ignorance is bliss, and I would like to keep this bliss going. My buzz is slowly leaving me, but I just want to hold on to my high. I just want to be gone…just a bit longer.

I hear that noise again, somewhat louder than before. My heart begins to race. Adrenaline wants to kick in. I take a couple of deep breaths to slow down my heart beat. I feel the high getting its second wind. I hear a distant voice, fading in clarity. Is that voice my imagination or is someone here with me? How did I get here? Why am I sitting? Where am I? Who am I? My thoughts start to come in waves, becoming incoherent mumbles.

I felt something shaking me. The voice is louder than before, but still I can’t make out what the voice is saying.

I wonder, “Is this still the effects of the drugs?”

I open my eyes. Light floods my eyes blinding me in un-seeable radiance. After a few seconds, my eyes adjust to the sudden brightness. I see a shadow of a figure in front of me. I believe it is a man. His blurred clothes start to settle. I see him there crouching down trying to get me to focus. I close my eyes again.

“Hey man wake up,” is what that man tells me. I want him to leave me alone, so I don’t even try to respond.

“Hey man, are you alright?”

I finally become focused enough to tell him to fuck off and leave me alone. I hear him chuckle. I open my eyes and I see him put his hand on his knee to help himself up.

“Is that how you talk to Death?”

I concentrate on him and the world starts to calm around him. The adrenaline starts to release in my body. Why was I so scared?

I see his eyes; there is something wrong with his eyes, too dark, as if corrupted by something underneath. But the rest of his face was still a blur. I must still be high.

I try to stand up, but my body still won’t react.
“You’re not Death, your fucking with me, I’m still fucked up” is all I could mumble out.

“You might be right, but come on, don’t you think it would be cool to tell your buddies that you talked to Death and gave him some advice? At least when you get off your high you’ll have a good story to tell”

He lifts me to my feet, and he asks me to take a walk with him. The feel of his hands keeping me balanced reminds me of something. I can’t remember what it reminds me of, but I feel it is important. My mind is still unable to concentrate. The lights are just a too bright for it being this late. He asks me my name. I can’t remember what it is.

He grins.

“It doesn’t really matter anyway, it’s not like you will remember too much anyway.”

We begin to walk. Each step feels awkward and loose, yet stiff at the same time. The man claiming to be Death holds on to me so I won’t fall. I ask him where we are going.

“Just a couple of blocks down the street. Don’t worry. I know where we are going. I am Death, remember? Plus, this will give me a chance to explain to you about the situation I am having difficulty making a decision on.”

We walked in silence, as I concentrated, or at least tried to concentrate, on keeping my balance as I walked. Death was at my side trying to keep me from falling. Why was it so easy for me to except that this person was Death? What does he want from me? I try to yell out, “You’re fucking Death. Why would you need my help?” but only a whispered version of that comes out.

“Oh so you admit that I am Death?” he said, “Good. Well this situation I am facing isn’t that common, but it isn’t that rare either. Personally I was thinking about doing what I usually do…. take the dead, but I guess you can say I am a bit bored today and I want to try something different. Here try walking by yourself”

He lets me go and I stumble a bit, but I remember how to keep my balance, even with my legs feeling so loose. I look around I can see that we had already walked a few blocks. The lights of the main stripe fade into the background, and the street lamps are the only lights that give color to the world. The light, however dark and gloomy, seems to vibrate as it leaves the street lamps and it makes its way to the bushes on the side of the pavement, then to the actual pavement , and then to my eyes. I feel someone staring at me. I look and I can only see grinning eyes. Why was grinning at me? Did he know what was going through my mind? Then I remembered that I was walking with Death.

“Concentrate,” he says,” I still have to bring you up-to-date with what has been going and if you keep letting your mind wander, with the way everything looks under the street lights, then you won’t be any use to me”

I looked at him, but I couldn’t really make out his face, only his eyes seem to shine. Curiosity consumed me. I wanted to ask him how he knew that I was mesmerized by the street lamps.

“I am Death. You can’t forget that”

He begins to tell me the story of a man and woman. Adam and Julia are there names. Both of them are high school seniors. They are what people like to refer to as “High school sweethearts.” Adam was in a hometown popular band with dreams of becoming rich and famous. Julia was going to graduate with a few scholarships waiting for her in college. She wanted to become a teacher. Julia decided that she would go to the local community college until Adam was ready to leave their town and start of their lives somewhere far away. They both had dreams. She loved him and Adam loved her too.

A light suddenly appears in the distance. It starts to get closer and closer at an alarming rate. My eyes become enchanted by the shining of the street; the reflection of that light. I see a street sign, Hamilton RD. The reflection of it draws me closer to it. But the light, that at first was so far away, is so close. So close, I could almost touch it. I reach for it. My arm staggers towards it. Death pulls my hand back and says, “It’s just a car,” The Buick drives by. Once again, Death asks me to try to concentrate, that all this information is important for me to be able to make a judgment on the situation. He assures me that at the end of this street we will turn right and go down two more blocks and we will be at our destination. However, he would like to finish telling the story before we arrived.

I try to concentrate. He continued the story. After one of his performances, Adam met a guy named Steven. Steven is a couple of years older than Adam. Steven seemed like a cool guy to hang out with. Steven lived in a two story house and would have a party a couple of times out of the week. Steven decided to have a party at his house for Adam’s band. Steven would always have friends around him. Steven was the one that introduce Adam to drugs, mainly heroin.

Death asks me if that is what I do. I shrugged; he didn’t need to know if I shot up or not, that was my business and mine alone. Death continued his story.

Well Adam at first would only use the drugs once in awhile, and then it became more frequent, like a habit. He then began he craved it, like an addiction. It got to the point that he felt he needed it live, like air, food, and water; a necessity. Julia tried to be there for him, she really did. Adam would tell her that he would quit and somehow he would convinced her. Here and there he did try to quit, but he always went back to it.

Death chuckled and said,” How could Adam quit? His quick fix was his air, his food…..his water. He then continued his story.

Adam started to push her away. He didn’t like it when she would speak badly about his “necessities.”

One night, Julia called Adam to find out where he was. Adam said that he was at Steven’ s house. When Julia arrived there, Adam was nowhere to be found. Steven spots Julia and offers her a drink, she refuses to take it, and asks him where Adam was.

Steven looked at her, laughed, and said, “Adam is a big boy, he can take care of himself. If he wants to get a quick fix then that is his problem, not mine. However if you want a real man, then maybe you should actually take this drink and stay here with me.”

Julia ignores Steven’s last comment and again asked him where Adam was. Steven pointed upstairs. Julian made her way through the crowds of drunken and high people, towards the stairs. She walks upstairs and makes her way towards one of the rooms yelling out Adam’s name. Julia finds Adam in Steven’s room. He is sitting down on the floor, with a needle in his arm. Adam was in the middle of shooting up. Julia yells at him to stop, but he finishes his self medication.

That night, Julia finally gave him an ultimatum…The drugs or her. Adam, high at the time, chose the drugs. Julia didn’t hear from Adam for a couple of months. She was worried about him the whole time, hoping that he was okay, but refused to call him.

Now we get to what happened earlier today.

Adam called Julia.

“Hello”

“Hey Julia, please don’t hang up the phone.”

“What do you want Adam?” said Julia with irritation in her voice. There was a subtle tone of worry under her irritation. She knew she had to be strong and not take Adam back, until he was ready to leave the drugs behind.

“I just wanted to know how you were doing?”

“I am doing fine. Goodbye”

“No! Wait! Julia, please I need your help.”
“Why don’t you get your friend Steven, to help you?”

“Because you are the only one that can help me…I want to leave the drugs behind. I am serious this time.”

“What makes you think that I will believe you this time? You have said this to me before and you always ran back to Steven for your “quick fix””

“Please. I miss you Julia. I don’t want to be here anymore. Come pick me up, please. I love you.”

Julia knew that this was what she was waiting for. She could her sincerity in Adam’ s voice. Julia asked Adam where he was.

“I am at Steven’s house”

“Ok, I will be there in 15 minutes. Please be outside waiting for me.”

“Thank you, Julia. You won’t regret this. I will be a changed man after tonight”

Julia left her apartment and drove to Steven’s house. Julia was happy to get Adam back, but she was worried that this time would end like the rest of the times. She was at a stop light. Julia looked at stars and quietly prayed.

“God, please let tonight be the last night that I have to go through this.”

At this point Death stops in front of a two story house and I see a beautiful women getting out of her car. Her smooth hair was glowing in its own light. Her soft blue eyes showed so much concern and worry. I knew that this was Julia.

Death warns me not to try to interfere, because no one would be able to hear us. She looks around to see if she could find Adam, but Adam was nowhere to be seen. She looks at the house, takes a deep breath, and moves towards the door. We follow her.

She walks in. The house is not nearly as packed as it was the last night she was there. The party was dying down. The few people that were left were already high, some were making out, while others just sat there blankly staring off.. Julia sees a couple of people leaving the party and asks them where Adam is. They tell her that he is upstairs. She walks up the stairs calling out for Adam; no one answers. This whole experience seemed painfully familiar. She knew that Adam would be in Steven’s room. She enters Steven’s room and finds Adam sitting down at the corner with a needle on the floor next to him. She runs to him and she asks him if he is okay.

“Julia? Is that you? Oh Julia you came. Thank you. You look so beautiful,” is all that Adam was able to slur out of his mouth.

Julia looks into Adam’s eyes and just sees black. She knew he was gone. A tear comes down Julia’s face.

Adam trying to concentrate, leans closer to Julia, turns his head, and squints his eyes to try to clarify his vision of her.

“Don’t worry Julia. This is the last time I will do this. After tonight I would touch this ever again.”

Steven walks in to the room.
“So I see that you found Adam,” Steven said, with a grin on his face.

Julia looked at him with such hate in her eyes. Julia knew that it was Steven that had introduced Adam into this.

“Don’t look at me like that, Julia. Adam begged me for a quick fix. I didn’t want to give it to him, especially since I knew he had no money to pay for it, but he forced me to.

“And you being such a good friend, gave him the drugs anyway.”

Steven chuckled and quickly said, “ I’m running a business, not a charity. If you want to take Adam you are going to have to pay his tab. He was accumulated quite a debt.”

Steven looks at Julia, turns his head to the side, and with a grin on his face he tells her that they can work something out.

Steven grabs Julia’s arm and pulls her towards the bed.

“Let go of me Steven! Adam help me!”

Steven takes Julia and throws her onto the bed and tells her she is going to pay for Adam’s addiction.

I yell at Adam to get up and help her, but Adam just sat there without any expression in his face.

Death reminds me that Adam can’t hear me. He tells me that we are here to observe and nothing else. That we can’t interfere until the decision is near.

Steven looks at Adam on the floor and throws him another heroin pouch, telling him that he is a fair man. That Julia is worth two hits, not just one.

I ran to Steven and I take a swing at him, but my fist just goes through him. Steven, unphased, climbs onto the bed.

Julia tries to get up from the bed, but Steven pushes her back down. He gets on top of her and rips her shirt open. She screams out for Adam to help her.

I run to Adam and try to pick him up; to make him get up and help her.

I see his eyes completly dilated.

I yell at him until he begins to stir. A sense of relief starts to come over me. I knew I could get through to him, now he will help Julia. Horror takes the place of the relief I was feeling, when I see what he was actually moving for.

Adam picks up the pouch and he looks at me and says that Steven just wants a kiss. I am shocked that he actually heard me, but mortified at what he said. Death looks at me and says, “He’s not talking to you.”

I look behind me and I see tears coming down Julia’s eyes.

Adam stands up puts the pouch into his pocket. He tells Julia that he will be outside in the car waiting for her.

I scream out at him to not leave…to save her.

Adam closes the door behind him.

I try to go after him, but Death holds me back saying that we are not done here. I yell at Death and tell him that Adam is the only one that can save her that I need to reach him and make him come back.

“We are only here to observe, not interfere. The decision is still not ready to be made. That is when I will act. Adam still has some time.”

I realized what Death meant by “Adam has sometime” when I turn to see Julia on the bed.

Julia tried to push Steven off of her. Struggling and waving her hands trying to get push him off her. She reaches for his face. She scratches his face, in an attempt to escape. Steven in a rage begins to punch her. Julia yells out in pain.

I tried to hold Steven back, but I couldn’t get a grip on him. I tried so hard. He would not stop. All the while I could hear Julia’s voice screaming at the pain. The panic in her voice becomes unbearable.

I fell onto the floor, my back to the bed. I sat there holding onto my knees and pretending that this was not happening. Tears stream down my eyes. Helpless tears coming down my face and onto the floor. Nothing I could do….Nothing I could do. Then her yelling suddenly stopped. Awkward silence filled the room. I listened closely. Nothing could be heard. A few seconds later a gauging sound began. My eyes grew large.

I turned and saw Steven’s hands around her neck.

I stood up and again tried to help Julia. But there was nothing I could do.
She reached for his hands trying to pull them of her neck. But his grip was too firm.

I look into her eyes. Tears were still coming down them as she struggled. I look at her. Her eyes so lovely, they seem to glow. The light in her eyes reflecting of her tears. I shook my head. The drugs in me are still effecting what I see. I could feel the pain in her eyes. The sadness I felt of knowing that her dreams would never come true. That this was going to be her last moment. This was how her life would end.

She becomes still.

Death looks at me and tells me there is nothing more to see here, unless I want to see how demented Steven really is. He picks me up and leads me out of the room. He walks me done the stairs and out of the house. My eyes still wet, full of tears that had been shed, that are still shedding, and tears that are still to shed. We stop in front of her car. I couldn’t bear it any longer.

I couldn’t hold back any longer. I look at Death enraged.

“Why didn’t you do anything? Why didn’t you help her?”

He replied, “It wasn’t my place.”

“But your Death, you said you can interfere whenever you want. Why didn’t you help her?”

He replied, “Why didn’t you?”

“I did try. I did. I just couldn’t get that son of a bitch off her.”

Something catches my eye. I look past Death. I see someone walking towards us. At first I thought that it was Adam. He did say he was going to wait for her here. The figure came closer and started to take shape. Julia was walking towards us. Her smooth hair was glowing in its own light. Her soft blue eyes showed no emotion. Julia somehow escaped. She is safe now. She stops right in front of Death and looks up at me. I could sense that something was different about her.

“Julia I would like to introduce you to the guy that tried to save you up there.”

Julia looks at me and tells Death not to lie. That no one tried to save her up there. That Adam just left her in there alone with that monster.

“Oh but Julia, this young man right here did try to save you. I can personally vouch for him, though his attempt was futile.”

Julia looks at me and walks towards me. She puts her hand on my cheek and asks me, “Did you really try to save me?”

My words wouldn’t come out, just the tears in my eyes flowed.

She smiled and said, “I forgive you.”

At that moment her eyes seemed to sparkle. She was so beautiful standing there.

Julia stepped back, walked towards Death, and she slowly began to fade till she disappeared.

I ask Death if she will be happy where ever she is going to go. Death replies with a simple, “She will get what she deserves same as Adam will.”

I wipe the tears from my eyes.

“Come,” says Death,” Your decision still hasn’t been made.”

We start to walk down the same path we came from; down the same streets as before.

“Now you have seen what happened between Adam and Julia. Do you think that it is fair what happened to Julia?“

No.

“Was that the same Adam in the end as the one I first told you about?”

No.

“Did the drugs change him?”

Yes.

“Do you think that he deserves a second chance?”

No.

“So then what should happen to him?”

He should suffer, for what he did…For what he didn’t do.

“My thoughts are exactly the same. So is this your final decision?”

Yes it is. If that was the decision you wanted me to make. I made it. I know that he deserves to suffer.

“One more question before I leave you. Would you ever make the same mistakes that Adam did?”

No.

“But aren’t you a different person now, I mean haven’t the drugs changed you into someone you don’t want to be? I mean that is why you do them, right? To escape what you have become?“

I stop walking. I look at Death and ask him, “Death, what was all this about? Was this a life changing experience, so I can be a better man? Is this my enlightenment? Is this my second chance?”

Death replies with a simple, “Is it?”

Death so where is Adam?

Death begins to walk again and tell me, “That’s where we are heading to?”

I look around and see the street sign, Hamilton Rd. I see the main strip. I see Adam.

He is running, he is feeling lost. Not wanting to feel anything at all. He remembers he has one left. He looks around to find a good hiding place. He sees a rundown alley and he runs to it.

I wonder how I know what he is thinking.

He stops half way into the alley. He puts his back against wall, takes off his jacket, and pulls up his long sleeve. He reaches in to his pocket for the spoon and the heroin. His empty eyes shimmer, as the light of his flame prepares his drug. He finds a vein, puts the needle into his arm. He leans on the wall. The release flows through his veins. All he knew, now, was just a blur.

I call out to Adam. No response.

I look back at Death and he finally begins to take shape. The blurred image begins to take form. My high leaves me, as Adam takes more drugs.

I now see who has been walking next to me this whole time. He grins at me. He starts to fade away as I realize whose story was told and what advice he really needed.

What advice I needed.

I realized that I am Death, the death of the one person that I loved, the death of my dreams, the death of my hopes, and the death of me. That’s who I am. And since I have made my own hell with my own rules, I am the one that decides when the pain and suffering is over. I begin to walk towards the guy on the floor; I feel no pity towards him.

No pity towards me.

I could leave him here and end the suffering by leaving him alone.

I crouch down and begin to shake him.

“Hey man wake up,” was all that I could say.

He tells me to fuck off and leave him alone. I begin to laugh, as he opens his dilated eyes…my dilated eyes…and I see the emptiness in them. He looks up at me and I know what he sees in mine.

I grin and simple say…Is that how you talk to Death?
ing!

June 16, 2015June 24, 2015 by medinabrianf Leave a comment